On Monsters

Monsters are real. History, both ancient & recent, tells us so. 

I am not a particularly religious person, but I do believe in a higher power I choose to call God. And She is real pissed about what we are doing to her beloved artwork. 

I do not believe this "everything happens for a reason" bullshit, nor do I believe God is sitting on a cloud somewhere pulling puppet strings. She did not give my nephew cancer. He did not make me miscarry eight of my babies. God does not put guns in people's hands. 

I believe in science & the unexplained, fascinating phenomena that is the human body. I believe God gave us brains to use & free will to make our own choices. On the other side of the coin, we can be at the mercy of our upbringing & societal stereotypes (I'm looking at you, Fox News). Far too often we take what we are taught as bond, never asking questions or discovering things for ourselves. 

In the last 48 hours I have oscillated between rage, devastation, fear, & judgement. I have thrown things in anger & fallen to my knees, crippled by my own tears. Nothing makes sense & I am paralyzed with pain. 

That's what monsters do. 

The U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation defines domestic terrorism as follows:

"Domestic terrorism" means activities with the following three characteristics:

• Involve acts dangerous to human life that violate federal or state law;
• Appear intended (i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; (ii) to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion; or (iii) to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination. or kidnapping; and
• Occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the U.S.

What happened at Emmanuel AME Church is nothing short of domestic terrorism. It is not a "tragedy" or "act of violence". To use these words to describe the willful, conscious act of murdering nine human beings solely based on the color of their skin AFTER the monster sat with them while they prayed for an hour is despicable. 

Call it by its name: TERRORISM

Yes, I believe God is pissed. Hurt by us. Hurt for us. The very thing He has created is slowly but surely turning against itself. No one is born hating another. We learn it. We teach it. We see it. Or we can stand up to it; change hearts & minds. 

The time to affect that change is now. Our children do not deserve the hate & fear that has landed like a plaque of unfathomable proportions upon us. Use your brain. Use your heart. Use your voice. 

  

This is 40

I turned 40 years old two weeks ago. Holy hell. What a crazy, bumpy beautiful ride. 

40 Things I've Learned in 40 Years 

1. Naps are pretty much a necessity throughout life. If you have an opportunity to take a nap, do it. 

2. Forts are magical. Build forts all the time. Out of sheets, blankets, trees, wood scraps. Anything.  

3. When a 3rd grade classmate backs up & falls into a trashcan, you will laugh so hard you wet your pants. Trust me. 

4. Sing. Play music. Loud & often. 

5. Read as much as you can. Stay up too late & read. Books take you places you might never otherwise go. They broaden our horizons & make us think. 

6. Believe in something bigger than this world. 

7. When a 6th grade classmate gets bit by a bug in the lunchroom & screams like a banshee, chocolate milk will come out of your nose. 

8. Never take your relationships with your grandparents for granted. Always listen to their stories. Same goes for your parents.

9. Sometimes you may take a little longer to learn to do things than your friends. Like, maybe you won't learn to ride your big kid bike until you're 10. That's ok.

10. Speaking of bikes, turn that sucker over & make ice cream. 

11. Imaginary friends are the best. {Shout out to Roscoe the baby gorilla, Little Witch, & the rabbit family that lived in the back seat of the blue Horizon}

12. When you wake up in the middle of the night & see Santa's sleigh flying over your house, believe it. 

13. Someone will always have nicer clothes, shoes, or purses than you. That's ok. Channel your inner Pretty in Pink. 

14. Friendships come & go, but you will learn something from everyone you meet. 

15. When you hear or see hatred toward others, speak out. Silence is the same as acceptance. 

16. Play Kick the Can, Ghost in the Graveyard, & Superheroes often. 

17. Taking risks is scary. And oftentimes leads to beautiful rewards.

18. Not everyone you meet will like you & vice versa. This is ok. 

19. Work hard for the things you want. Nothing in this life is free. 

20. Pay attention. 

21. Parenting is f-ing exhausting.

22. Parenting is so, so fun. 

23. Cartoons are for big kids, too.

24. It is super easy to fall off a tire in gym class & break your foot.

25. Tripping up stairs in entirely possible. All the time. 

26. So is falling over your own feet. 

27. Always carry fidget toys in your purse or backpack. 

28. Blowing bubbles is a fantastic stress reliever. 

29. Sometimes you just need to hide in your closet, away from the rest of the world. 

30. When you get 5 or 6 kids in a metal pool/horse trough, you can make your own kickass lazy river by going in a giant circle for a few minutes, then floating on your back. 

31. Be kind. Even when it's hard. 

32. Be careful with your words. Say what you mean & mean what you say. 

33. Words cannot be taken back, no matter how hard you try. 

34. Never stop learning new things. Knowledge is power. 

35. Nothing hurts as much as a broken heart.

36. Laugh. Be silly. Make up new animals.

37. There are people that will take advantage of your heart. Don't let that jade you. Keep your heart open. 

38. Forgiveness is hard. 

39. Make art. Always. 

40. Beauty is everywhere. Find beauty every day. 

On Brave & Beautiful

I am almost 40 years old. 
I have grey hair. 
I need a haircut.
I have stretch marks & saggy skin. 
I am overweight.
I still get zits.
Damn squinty eye.
I have perpetual black bags under my eyes. 

All these things have been a source of discontent or frustration at one time or another. Or in the case of today, I woke up feeling acutely aware of all of them. 

I posted a picture to celebrate National Coffee Day today on Instagram & scrolled down my feed while I was there. That's where I found the #iambraveandbeautiful hashtag (Is it redundant to put the # thing, then spell out 'hashtag'?). Inspired by Colbie Caillat's song, "Try", the hashtag is meant to be a vehicle for women everywhere to strip themselves of make-up, fancy hair, accessories, etc., & just be. Embrace our brave, beautiful, natural selves. 

So I did. 

I am brave because I am almost 40 years old & have lived to tell the tale.
I am beautiful because my glass is always half full. 
I am brave because life happened to me & I kicked it in the ass.
I am beautiful because my body is soft & curvy.
I am brave because I just said that.
I am beautiful because I choose to find beauty everywhere.
I am brave because I am an introvert & happy to be one.
I am beautiful because I am a mama.
I am brave because I am a mama.
I am beautiful because the black bags under my eyes are the same as my Papa Donnie's.

What makes you brave? What makes you beautiful?
I invite you to embrace you brave beautifulness.

Eat Drink Stitch with Hey Paul Studios

Last week I had the opportunity to attend my first Eat Drink Stitch event, hosted by Kristen of Hey Paul Studios. 

After an eventful, hour long trek in rush hour, accident prone traffic(in a perfect world it would have only taken 25 minutes)in my teeny tiny rental car I finally made it to The Big Rip Brewing Company. 

What a great place! Big Rip's beer selection is awesome & they have a patio that's perfect for stitching with friends or just hanging out. Helen's On Wheels was in the parking lot with food truck greatness like gyros, tacos, & burgers.

Kristen was such a gracious hostess, having many items available for novice to advanced stitchers. She had beginner sticher's bags available for purchase with everything one would need to get started on a project, a fantastic selection of hand drawn craft beer inspired embroidery designs, & a complimentary thread bar so we could personalize our projects.

Aren't these the cutest stinkin' pin cushion rings?! 

See that glass? That's a hand crafted root beer with vanilla vodka. Ridiculous. And I'm a little mad I only had one.  

Thanks so much for another great event, Kristen! I met some amazing KC makers & bloggers ---- Can't wait for the next one!

* I apologize for the craptastic phone pictures. Apparently, dropping your phone in water isn't good for it. 

** OK, OK, a toilet. Dropping your phone in a toilet isn't good for it.

Hey Paul's Stitch Picnic

"Mom, I wanna learn how tah stitch!"

"Mama, can I stitch with you? I want to have my own hoop."

Two phrases I hear a lot. I had been planning to get a few plastic needles for the girls & teaching them a simple stitch or two. So when Kristen of Hey Paul Studios announced a Stitch Picnic at Loose Park, I was really excited to take the girls & share this with them. 

Several of us got together near the Rose Garden to work on projects & simply enjoy each other's company. The day was beautiful & we had a great time.

What a fun day to spend with others learning new things & seeing what others create. Throw in a near mauling by a squirrel, & you've got yourself a fantastic afternoon! The girls loved sitting in a really awesome tree & just stitching. They even asked to "knit" on the way home in the car. 

Thanks, Kristen, for a great day! Be sure to follow Hey Paul Studios for info on fun stitching events in KC. And check out Handmade in KC for a great group of local makers.

say

say....

thank you.
i'm sorry.
i miss you. 
i love you.
i am hurt.
i forgive you. 
goodbye. 
hello. 
you matter. 
you matter to me. 
life is hard. 
and life is lovely.
treat me how you want to be treated. 
love me. 
i am ok. 
you are beautiful.
things get better. 
hold my hand.
i am strong. 
you are strong. 
believe. 

Even if your hands are shaking. Even if all you do is whisper. 
say. 

Too often we're afraid of our own feelings to just say. Too often we're afraid of others' feelings to simply say. 

When you say, you heal. Healing is good. Healing is necessary.

When you say, you acknowledge & are aware. You acknowledge yourself & you acknowledge others. You are aware of your heart. Other hearts.

When you say, you feel. Feeling is what ties us together. Feelings make us whole. 

When you say, you breathe. You exhale. 

Just.

Handmade in Kansas City Summit

Last Saturday was a great day ---- I finally got to meet some of my new maker friends at our first Handmade in Kansas City summit!

We met at a great local bike shop in downtown Lenexa, Velo+. What an awesome place! Velo+ offers custom handmade bicycle frames, group riding opportunites, riding accessories made by local folks, & in house ROASTED COFFEE. Definitely a great place for seasoned riders, as well as beginning cyclists!

Since joining Handmade in KC a few months ago I have loved getting to know everyone a little through our various business pages & online discussions. It's one thing to stalk admire an artist's work online, but it's quite another to see their beautiful creations in person.  

I kind of geeked out.

There is SO.MUCH. talent in this group; the heart & passion of each maker is so very evident in every piece. Here are some of my crappy phone artistic snapshots from the evening:

Each maker received cards to hand out with information on Handmade in Kansas City. These will be a great way to spread the word about our group & the handmade initiative!

Hey Paul Studios features one of a kind embroidery designs & specializes in medical anatomy embroidery. Kristen's designs are amazingly intricate & so unique. I think her brains & state pillows are my favorite! 

Nuggets of Goodness offers handmade jewelry with a vintage vibe. I loved looking through Carla's vintage jewelry case & finding so many lovely one of a kind pieces; just like going through my grandma's jewelry when I was little!  

I think my favorite piece from Creations by M & J was the little porcupine she brought to the summit. So cute & squeezy (totally a word)! Jennifer even gave me the courage to try something I've never tried before. Thanks for the piping tip!!!











Oh, Stik A Pin In It....
Pretty much everything you make will one day be in my sewing room. Seriously. Shelly makes such cute sewing kits & needle minders. I'll never have to crawl around on the floor searching for that lost needle again!

DO YOU SEE THE THE UPCYCLED INSTRUMENTS?!?!
Hang Ups in KC, you had me at trumpet, clarinet, & violin. I don't even know what else to say, Kristi & Carolyn, except your sass is almost as amazing as your handmade jewelry. I love it.

Ni-Chern Designs makes so many fun accessories, including aprons with lots of pockets that are perfect for craft shows or garage sales. Nicole also makes key fobs in two sizes, one of which I will be ordering soon since I dropped my last one in the toilet at Red Robin....

I cannot begin to imagine the time & patience Amy utilizes to create her hand rolled paper beads for By Wicked Red. The bracelets she brought to the summit were stunning. Do you see the hand rolled beads from sheet music?! 

I am going to smell soooooo good now, thanks to Kenna with Gratitude Soapery. She was so sweet & brought all of us samples of natural, handmade soap! I keep opening up my package of lavender soap & just breathing it in. Can't wait to try more!

The unique, inspiring pieces by Altered Iris are so incredible. Cherie combines paper, paint, & ink to create such amazing artwork! I fell in love with the little ampersand canvas several weeks ago. She also carries prints of her originals, as well as pendants & magnets. 

Aaaaaaand, here's my sad little display. All of my fun display pieces are packed away for our move, so I had to use my plastic storage bin to prop up my poor dolls. Obviously, I also got a horribly uncroppable picture....








I cannot wait to get to know more about my fellow makers. I left our summit feeling inspired, happy, & more determined than ever that I am on the right creative path. We were missing several of our maker friends at our summit, so please be sure to check out our Handmade in Kansas City website to see more local makers!

THANK YOU, HANDMADE IN KC FRIENDS! Next time, it's jammies.

On Being Stupid

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with someone about specific reservations I've been holding on to for quite some time. Keeping myself at arm's length from the situation without a solid reason why. 

Then she said, "Do you think maybe it's because you don't want to look stupid?" 

OUCH. 

And yes. 

The *ahem* older I get, the more I've come to understand that appearances really don't mean anything. You can create a facade of perfection, yet be crumbling on the inside. You may live paycheck to paycheck, but be rich with the fulfillment of doing something you love. My fear of "looking stupid" was preventing me from truly embracing my whole self. My whole life, essentially. Humiliation sucks, but choosing to avoid it at all costs has sadly prevented me from making some pretty fabulous mistakes. 

"I invite you to look stupid," she said. 

Such a silly sentence, but it was an f-ing LIGHT BULB MOMENT. 

What's the worst that could happen? I put my most honest, loving, best self out into the universe, personally AND professionally. If people can't or won't accept me, then it's their loss. If I am living a life I am proud to live no one can take my joy.  

So this is me. Looking stupid. 

Looking stupid has given me so many opportunities recently that I never would have were I still choosing to hide. I made a kickass new friend (Hey, Natalie, HEEEEEEEEY!) by participating in a swap on Instagram, taught myself embroidery, joined the amazing Handmade in Kansas City group, began a partnership with Ribbon of Worth Foundation, donated to various fundraisers, & have just recently been met with a possible new adventure that is incredibly close to my heart.

So, friends, I extend the invitation to you. Be stupid with me.





P.S., "She" & "someone" are my therapist who, I'm pretty sure, has a direct link to God, Buddha, & most other mind blowing philosophers.

On Motherhood

There are two things I know for sure since becoming a mama. First, this job is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. Second, & perhaps the most ego crushing, I know absolutely nothing & my own mommy has been right about everything this whole damn time. Just when I think I have this whole thing figured out, one of these little boogers throws me a giant curveball & unravels all this fake knowledge I thought I had. 

Our oldest daughter was born after five long years of multiple miscarriages, fertility medications, & treatments. She was conceived during our third & final round of intrauterine insemination. I was sick almost immediately & puked my guts out through my entire pregnancy. Karsen Hope taught me patience, perseverance, & the power of hopefulness. She introduced me to a type of love that is immediate, intense, & radiates from a place in the soul you never knew you had. All of this while making me weep with nausea every time I passed an ice cream billboard.

Then there's the little one....She decided to show up after almost three more years of trying for another baby, a couple of surgeries, another miscarriage, & managed to sneak in past a forgotten birth control device, just two weeks after scheduling my husband's vasectomy. I got sick about four weeks in to my pregnancy & barfed every day until the day she was born. Owynne Faith taught me I am not in charge, ferocity, & to have faith beyond what I can see. That place in your soul? She showed me it is bigger, brighter, & more powerful than I ever thought possible. 

Then there are my babies in Heaven. The babies I never got to hold. To smell their baby smell. To "This Little Piggy" their toes. To sing them to sleep. There are eight of them. They taught me the meaning of true heartache, strength, bravery, & the magic of the universe. These babies visit me in my sleep. I see them in the flowers & butterflies, I feel them in the way the sun touches my cheeks, & I see them in the beautiful eyes of their sisters.


There are three things I know for sure since becoming a mama. First, this job is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. Second, I know absolutely nothing & my own mommy has been right about everything this whole damn time. 

And third, I am hopeful, full of faith, ferocious, & magical. 

All because I am a mama. 

Happy Mother's Day, friends. 

On New Adventures

As part of working to grow the audience for my little business, I recently joined a new group of wonderful crafters solely from the Kansas City area. I am pretty new to the group, but have so enjoyed getting to know everyone a little through the interwebs. 

I love seeing so many wonderful, innovative products coming from the place I call home. There are eco-friendly crafters, crafters who upcycle, jewelers, glass artists, & embroidery artists, just to name a few of the amazing talents. 

Take a look at Handmade in Kansas City's website to see all the amazing artists & our work. The website features links to shops, as well as a blog featuring "Meet the Maker" posts to get to know the artists. 

I planned a more in depth Handmade in KC post, but a sick little person is occupying my time for the next few days. Hoping to share more about this awesome group soon!!!