My Dearest DMB,
I am writing this letter to apply for the position of a Lovely Lady back up singer. I realize this may not be a position you are currently looking to fill, but I would like for you to seriously consider putting me on stage. Here is a list of my qualifications that make me perfect for the Lovely Lady position:
* I was in choir from 5th grade through college until I got kicked out for being sick too much. Bastards. It's ok, though, because the music choices were LAME & they all kind of sounded the same. Plus most everyone in the chorale sounded REALLY white....
* I won a karaoke contest. $500 travel voucher. Booyah.
* I am a SUPERB shower singer. Simply amazing.
* I can make virtually any situation into a song.
* I have wanted to be a back up singer most of my life. Why a back up singer? Because they get to do the fun stuff like sway back & forth, snap their fingers, create amazing chords & dissonance, then resolve it into the most buttery smooth sounds ever. Or leave the dissonance. Whichever.
* I once received a compliment from Kevin Mahogany after a performance. My performance, not his.
* I was picked to sing with the Dues Band in college for our New Year's Eve dance that wasn't on New Year's Eve. I beat out a guy named Cooter....
So there you have it; I feel my qualifications speak volumes about my abilities to be the best Lovely Lady ever. I anxiously await your response & look forward to touring with you in 2012. Should you decide you are not in the market for a Lovely Lady at this time, please consider allowing me to simply sit on stage during a few performances....Or all of them.
Sincerely Yours,
Jennifer
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