It always makes me a little sad when we take the Christmas tree down (even this year, when the middle of the tree decided it was finished lighting up December 23rd). I love sitting in the soft glow of the tree in the evening, just being quiet. I still feel the magic & excitement of the Christmas season: the anticipation of Santa & his reindeer, hoping to see snow (but only if I can see it from inside my cozy house, Gattshall), & remembering the wonderful mystery of the baby boy born to save & take care of us all. Or whatever you choose to believe; no projecting here....
Still, this year, I was eager to take the down the tree & decorations; the last reminders of 2010. You see, 2010 was not the kindest of years to me. Yet it was the most notable year in a long time because it came with so many revelations as well. The biggest, most frightening revelation came later this year, when I finally let myself acknowledge that I had been suffering from a particularly nasty case of postpartum depression since the birth of our second daughter, Owynne Faith. To be REALLY honest I had probably been exhibiting symptoms since Karsen was born four years earlier. And this depression, in turn, dredged up a lot of memories from my past I had been pushing down for a long time. I began remembering things I had chosen to lock away & keep hidden from myself, from others, for many years. If I told anyone else of the things going on inside me, they would surely send my crazy ass to Shutter Island with that looney tunes, Leo DiCaprio. Looking back now, I see that my refusal to acknowledge my suffering (which is still weird for me to say) seeped into every aspect of my life. It affected my home because I no longer had the energy to keep it clean. It affected my job, which I LOVED, because I simply could not get out of bed in the morning to make it there at a decent time. I looked terrible. I began sitting at my desk, paralyzed. Unable to do anything; unable to put into action all the ideas & plans I had for my position. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep. I decided that maybe my problem was work. Maybe I was overwhelmed with full time work & taking care of two babies. So I quit the job I loved in June, the job I felt I been called to do, to stay at home full time with my babies. It worked for a while, then the feelings of doubt & dread came back. With a vengeance. I don't like to ask for help. Ever. Somewhere along the line I decided that asking for help from others meant I was weak. That no one would trust me with the important things of the world if I couldn't take care of the simple things myself. Let me tell you now, it is VERY lonely when you keep others at a distance. I thought I was protecting myself when, in a very harsh reality, I was hurting myself more.
In late October I finally sat down with my husband & out came a flood of tears, memories, & words. I talked for nearly an hour & a half before he even got a word in. And if you know my husband, that's a LONG time for him to be silent. When I had finally finished talking I thought for sure he would get up, walk out of the room, & never look back. But instead he said, "Wow. I sure wish you would've told me this stuff a long time ago. I could've helped you." And he hugged me.
And so, at the end of 2010, I began the long process of healing. I finally opened up & began to let go of the pain & suffering that has held me hostage for so long. I put away the last reminders of 2010 & began to look forward with fresh, hopeful eyes. In 2011 I will return to school to build upon my current knowledge base & begin a new career helping young children & their families heal. I will continue to create beautiful things; for others or perhaps just my children. And I will continue to heal myself, to look forward.
Happy New Year, friends. May 2011 be a wonderful, kind, loving, & exciting year for you & yours....
