OK, so I stumbled across a cute website ----www.twoofakindworkingonafullhouse.com.
She has all kinds of fun product info, recipes, & LOTS of awesome giveaways! She's having a giveaway right now for this: http://www.twoofakindworkingonafullhouse.com/search/label/giveaway. It's for a great store ---- http://www.downeastbasics.com/ ---- I have added it to my faves so I have instant access to all of DownEast Basic's cute stuff! You should go take a look!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
WHY?
5/19/2010: Why in the world is it so flippin' hard for me to take care of myself? I will take care of other people until the cows come home, but refuse to take time for myself. It. Is. ANNOYING.
Right now I am watching "Ruby" on the Style network & a lady on the show just said, "I enjoy being a servant." What in the holy hell?!?! I completely get what she is saying, but I don't feel like I necessarily enjoy it....I feel like it's just something I need to do: take care of others. Others? Who?! Babies, husband, puppy, friends, family, nieces, nephews, cousins, work....And when people say to me "Hey Jennifer, do you need anything?" or "Can I help you do anything?" my response is almost always "Nope, I'm good! Thanks, though!" What is wrong with me that I don't allow others to help me or take care of me?
***EDIT***5/25/2010: WOW. It is WEIRD to me that I started this a week ago & had, what can only be described as, a "Come to Jesus" meeting with my husband about this exact thing four days later. He called me out on a lot of things I didn't even realize I was doing ---- or in my case, not doing.
For as long as I can remember I have consistently assumed the role of caregiver. I chose a career path in which I would be serving & caring for others. In fact, if I really think about it, I could even go so far as to say I also appointed myself the role of savior. OK, I don't know if "savior" is exactly the most appropriate word to use; after all my name is not Jesus, it's Jennifer. But I constantly find myself trying to "save" someone. Save someone from an addiction, a bad relationship, pain, themselves....I grab up as much of their pain, heartache, & suffering that I can hold on to so they don't have to. Throughout my career I've taken physical abuse & hateful words from children because I know their tiny little hearts can't take all the pain inflicted on them by others. I allow it because I am adult & should be able to handle the burden, pain, & shame that comes with some of the things these children have been through. I take it & lock it away; I put it on a shelf in the back corner of my mind & my heart so it can't hurt anyone anymore. I find myself doing this with adults too.
At some point in my teenage/young adult years I must have gotten a tattoo on my forehead that reads "TELL ME ALL YOUR SHIT. DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FOR YOU!" Yeah, I am "that" person. And if you're one of "those" people you know exactly what I am talking about. I carry around so much baggage daily that is not my own that perhaps you should contact me if you've ever lost luggage in an airport. I bet I have it stored away in my brain....Or my heart.
Reading this over I sound a bit whiny & melodramatic. After all, it's not like I've ever stopped anyone from telling me things. "Nope, sorry. Can't hear about your break up/alcohol addiction/unwanted pregnancy/work issues today. I've got gardening to do!" I mean, honestly. Who does that? I'd want someone to listen to me if I had problems. Oh, wait, I DO HAVE PROBLEMS. Maybe if I could lift some of my own burdens I'd be better equipped to carry the loads of others more effectively. But lifting your burdens means you must face them, & I am TERRIBLE at that. I would rather face a mountain of others' burdens than address even one of my own. Don't know why; never been good at it. I don't know if, like monsters in the closet, I think they'll disappear if I ignore them long enough or if it's because admitting I have pain & sorrow means they will come at me with a vengeance & eventually break me. In my twisted sense of reality admitting these feelings to others means you are weak. And I don't like being weak. In fact, in pisses me right off. I like to be in control & I like to know what's next.
None of this really makes a lot of sense, but whatever. Bottom line: I don't know how to take care of myself, but I am learning.
Right now I am watching "Ruby" on the Style network & a lady on the show just said, "I enjoy being a servant." What in the holy hell?!?! I completely get what she is saying, but I don't feel like I necessarily enjoy it....I feel like it's just something I need to do: take care of others. Others? Who?! Babies, husband, puppy, friends, family, nieces, nephews, cousins, work....And when people say to me "Hey Jennifer, do you need anything?" or "Can I help you do anything?" my response is almost always "Nope, I'm good! Thanks, though!" What is wrong with me that I don't allow others to help me or take care of me?
***EDIT***5/25/2010: WOW. It is WEIRD to me that I started this a week ago & had, what can only be described as, a "Come to Jesus" meeting with my husband about this exact thing four days later. He called me out on a lot of things I didn't even realize I was doing ---- or in my case, not doing.
For as long as I can remember I have consistently assumed the role of caregiver. I chose a career path in which I would be serving & caring for others. In fact, if I really think about it, I could even go so far as to say I also appointed myself the role of savior. OK, I don't know if "savior" is exactly the most appropriate word to use; after all my name is not Jesus, it's Jennifer. But I constantly find myself trying to "save" someone. Save someone from an addiction, a bad relationship, pain, themselves....I grab up as much of their pain, heartache, & suffering that I can hold on to so they don't have to. Throughout my career I've taken physical abuse & hateful words from children because I know their tiny little hearts can't take all the pain inflicted on them by others. I allow it because I am adult & should be able to handle the burden, pain, & shame that comes with some of the things these children have been through. I take it & lock it away; I put it on a shelf in the back corner of my mind & my heart so it can't hurt anyone anymore. I find myself doing this with adults too.
At some point in my teenage/young adult years I must have gotten a tattoo on my forehead that reads "TELL ME ALL YOUR SHIT. DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FOR YOU!" Yeah, I am "that" person. And if you're one of "those" people you know exactly what I am talking about. I carry around so much baggage daily that is not my own that perhaps you should contact me if you've ever lost luggage in an airport. I bet I have it stored away in my brain....Or my heart.
Reading this over I sound a bit whiny & melodramatic. After all, it's not like I've ever stopped anyone from telling me things. "Nope, sorry. Can't hear about your break up/alcohol addiction/unwanted pregnancy/work issues today. I've got gardening to do!" I mean, honestly. Who does that? I'd want someone to listen to me if I had problems. Oh, wait, I DO HAVE PROBLEMS. Maybe if I could lift some of my own burdens I'd be better equipped to carry the loads of others more effectively. But lifting your burdens means you must face them, & I am TERRIBLE at that. I would rather face a mountain of others' burdens than address even one of my own. Don't know why; never been good at it. I don't know if, like monsters in the closet, I think they'll disappear if I ignore them long enough or if it's because admitting I have pain & sorrow means they will come at me with a vengeance & eventually break me. In my twisted sense of reality admitting these feelings to others means you are weak. And I don't like being weak. In fact, in pisses me right off. I like to be in control & I like to know what's next.
None of this really makes a lot of sense, but whatever. Bottom line: I don't know how to take care of myself, but I am learning.
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