On Motherhood

There are two things I know for sure since becoming a mama. First, this job is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. Second, & perhaps the most ego crushing, I know absolutely nothing & my own mommy has been right about everything this whole damn time. Just when I think I have this whole thing figured out, one of these little boogers throws me a giant curveball & unravels all this fake knowledge I thought I had. 

Our oldest daughter was born after five long years of multiple miscarriages, fertility medications, & treatments. She was conceived during our third & final round of intrauterine insemination. I was sick almost immediately & puked my guts out through my entire pregnancy. Karsen Hope taught me patience, perseverance, & the power of hopefulness. She introduced me to a type of love that is immediate, intense, & radiates from a place in the soul you never knew you had. All of this while making me weep with nausea every time I passed an ice cream billboard.

Then there's the little one....She decided to show up after almost three more years of trying for another baby, a couple of surgeries, another miscarriage, & managed to sneak in past a forgotten birth control device, just two weeks after scheduling my husband's vasectomy. I got sick about four weeks in to my pregnancy & barfed every day until the day she was born. Owynne Faith taught me I am not in charge, ferocity, & to have faith beyond what I can see. That place in your soul? She showed me it is bigger, brighter, & more powerful than I ever thought possible. 

Then there are my babies in Heaven. The babies I never got to hold. To smell their baby smell. To "This Little Piggy" their toes. To sing them to sleep. There are eight of them. They taught me the meaning of true heartache, strength, bravery, & the magic of the universe. These babies visit me in my sleep. I see them in the flowers & butterflies, I feel them in the way the sun touches my cheeks, & I see them in the beautiful eyes of their sisters.


There are three things I know for sure since becoming a mama. First, this job is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. Second, I know absolutely nothing & my own mommy has been right about everything this whole damn time. 

And third, I am hopeful, full of faith, ferocious, & magical. 

All because I am a mama. 

Happy Mother's Day, friends. 

On New Adventures

As part of working to grow the audience for my little business, I recently joined a new group of wonderful crafters solely from the Kansas City area. I am pretty new to the group, but have so enjoyed getting to know everyone a little through the interwebs. 

I love seeing so many wonderful, innovative products coming from the place I call home. There are eco-friendly crafters, crafters who upcycle, jewelers, glass artists, & embroidery artists, just to name a few of the amazing talents. 

Take a look at Handmade in Kansas City's website to see all the amazing artists & our work. The website features links to shops, as well as a blog featuring "Meet the Maker" posts to get to know the artists. 

I planned a more in depth Handmade in KC post, but a sick little person is occupying my time for the next few days. Hoping to share more about this awesome group soon!!!

On Worth

Yesterday I celebrated the beginning of my 39th year of life.

(damn, that's really close to 40.) 

The day started out beautiful. It was chilly, but the sun was shining & the sky was a bright shade of blue. I had a couple of hours to myself, enjoyed a much needed conversation with a beautiful friend, then ate lunch with my girls at school where I saw another friend. I even got to take a short nap. Somewhere along the way the sun went into hiding, the skies turned grey, & my mood went with it. The peace & contentment I had felt was replaced by sadness & an overall feeling of just being....lost. I couldn't figure it out. Nothing had happened to bring on these feelings; they just kind of crept in. Do you ever feel that way? I have a natural tendency toward depression, so things like this sometimes happen. Most of the time I can shake it off fairly quickly with music, dancing, sewing, or just willing myself to be free & silly. Which was the case yesterday. My littlest came in to the bathroom as I was getting ready for our family dinner date. She looked at me with her big brown eyes & I just knew everything was fine. I also stuck her nannyhose (some people might call them tights, which is just weird) on her head & she looked like a little floppy eared bunny, so that helped. And the rest of the day was just as it had began. Beautiful.

But sometimes that feeling of being lost sticks around for a while & I just can't get rid of it. Colors dull to a grey scale & nothing seems to be right. I don't feel worthy of the life I have been given & begin to despair I will be caught in the lie that is me. Maybe the people in my life will discover I am not worthy of their friendship, their love. I get so scared of being "found out" that I simply shut down & lock all my doors & windows because it's easier than letting people in. Other times I feel nothing at all. That's the worst. These things are all myths that depression has created. Certain circumstances in my life have perpetuated my depression & it has definitely gotten the best of me a few times. There were times I wasn't sure I would be able to see color ever again. 

I know I am better than that. I AM BETTER THAN DEPRESSION.

So I finally rounded up enough courage to ask for help. Initially I sought out therapy for my girls. I wanted to make sure I could be the best version of myself for them. Because they deserve a happy, healthy, strong mama & positive role model. After several sessions, I began to feel different. And I started acknowledging the effects my sessions were having on me. I felt light, hopeful, strong, & colorful more. I began to understand &, most importantly, appreciate my worth like I never had before. 

I am so proud to share that I have partnered with Ribbon of Worth Foundation to help others remember their own worth. Here is their mission statement:

Ribbon of Worth Foundation is dedicated to promoting individual and community wellness by strengthening self-worth, through advocacy, education, research and service. 

10% of each sale from my Etsy shop will be donated to Ribbon of Worth Foundation to help support its mission & sustain the understanding that we are all worthy creatures. Worthy of life, love, happiness, & color. 

And now, because I can never seem to keep things serious for too long, please enjoy my worthy fish face.